Mark your calendar. Or don't. We won't check.
Every Saturday, May - September • All Ramps
Watch locals debate who backed in wrong, whose trailer is crooked, and whether that guy's registration is expired. Categories include: "Loudest Unsolicited Advice," "Most Creative Insult," and "Fastest to Involve a Spouse." Trophies awarded. Restraining orders possible.
Entry Fee: Free (emotional damage not covered)
June 14th • Big Water Marina
Run in memory of the dock that couldn't hold Uncle Jerry's pontoon party (2019, never forget). The route follows the shoreline and includes one mandatory moment of silence at the collapse site. Finishers receive a medal shaped like a broken 2x4.
Registration: $25 (includes commemorative broken dock fragment)
July 4th • Everywhere, simultaneously
Same as regular fireworks but we claim they're better. Every marina, dock, and pontoon boat within 50 miles launches their own display, creating a chaotic 360-degree experience that terrifies every dog in two states. Duration: "until someone calls the sheriff" (usually 45 minutes).
Admission: Own a boat, know someone with a boat, or swim
August 3rd • Portman Shoals Area
Exactly what it sounds like. Two riders, two pool noodles, full speed ahead. Insurance not provided. Helmets "encouraged" (ignored). Last year's champion, Ricky "Splash" Thompson, remains undefeated and only slightly concussed. DNR has asked us to stop. We have not.
Rules: No actual lances. Pool noodles only. No eye contact before joust.
September 20th • Andersonville Point
Yell at the water. See what happens. Contestants have 3 minutes to lure a catfish using only their voice. Techniques range from "motivational speaking" to "reading the fish their horoscope." Last year's winner whispered sweet nothings. A 40-pounder surfaced. Nobody can explain it.
Prize: Bragging rights and a "Catfish Whisperer" bumper sticker
October 12th • Twelve Mile Creek
A 5K through the finest Georgia red clay after a good rain. You will fall. You will stain every piece of clothing you own. You will question your life choices. But the post-race hose-down party is legendary and the "before and after" photos are priceless.
What to bring: Clothes you never want to wear again. A towel (it won't help).
First Friday of every month
Community fish fry where everyone brings what they caught that week. If you didn't catch anything, bring coleslaw. If you don't have coleslaw, bring a good story. If you don't have a story, just show up anyway — we won't turn you away.
Every full moon • Clemson Marina
Glow sticks, LED lights, and questionable sobriety levels converge for a nighttime kayak parade. It's beautiful, chaotic, and someone always drops their phone in the water. Bring a waterproof case. Or don't. Your phone's probably due for an upgrade anyway.
Every Sunday • Various Docks
BYOM (Bring Your Own Mug). Show up at any dock at sunrise, and there's a 60% chance someone has coffee. 30% chance it's Irish coffee. 10% chance it's just lake water someone's pretending is coffee. Conversation topics: weather, fish, and "did you hear about Dale's boat?"